C3: Chichi's Classic Cock-Ups

Tales of woe from from your average Joe Schmoe! Ever had an embarrassing moment you'd much rather forget? I've had loads! And I'm sharing!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

locked up (who'll let me out)

Sup fam? He's back with more tales of woe. This one isn't so classic just that it is recent. It happened on Sunday. It was a bit funny and maybe admittedly scary after a while but hey. It wasn't really a cock-up on my part but what qualifies it is the fact that these things seem to only happen to me! What did I ever do to anybody? If I offended anyone in a past lifetime, I apologize profusely! Please forgive me and set me free from my blundering ways. Anyhoo, enough ranting already. Let's dive right into the:

The tissue @ Hand

Saturday started off pretty regularly. Waking up real late and doing nothing at all. I finally stopped lazing about and prepared to go for my friend's wedding. We had some history, so attending the ceremony was kinda odd but hey, we're all grown ups, right? And before ya'll get all excited, unfortunately, the cock-up didn't come at the ceremony nor was it related. Now that woulda been classic!

From the wedding, I went to the Nigerian Society for the Blind's Annual May Ball and had a real good time until the raffle draw. I had four invites and ten raffle tickets (don't ask) and managed to win NOT A DAMN THANG! There were 3 free tickets to London (one of which could have come in real handy), a free ticket to Accra, many free dinners, a portable DVD and a whole buncha other stuff. And I didn't win nada! So my aunt (an organizer) gave me complimentary wine and engine oil. Hold on! I just remembered another cock-up including the engine oil. So this is a double cock-up. Interesting.

Anyway, after thinking I had had a great day, sans losing out on prizes, I got a phone call from my Editor. I know. Never pick up a work call on the weekend, no less at night even. Anyhoo, I picked it up and apparently there's an article I was supposed to have written that I wasn't informed about. I don't write for this particular publication, I just manage the production process, so I thought the write up I was asked to do the week before was a one off. Apparently, not so he needs me to come in on Sunday to do it as that's the deadline. Sweet, huh?

Anyway, I go into the office Sunday, much later than planned because of sweet sleep and telephone flirting (I'm a ho), and get to work. On the way, I stop to get me a bite to eat since I missed breakfast and lunch wasn't done by the time I was ready. The food didn't agree with me and before long I felt the rumble in the jungle. I tried to stifle it and save it for home where I would have "quality reading" to carry out the task at hand (never do a number 2 without reading material). The rumble wasn't having it though, so I had to get down to business.

Trusting the office toilets, on the weekend no less, I had to do the security checks: one, was there water and two, was there tissue. Check one checked out but check two was a negative. Under some discomfort, I ran out to the car to get some tissue (honestly, more like handy wipes) and scampered back to do the deed. I couldn't find any quality reading so opted to take my laptop in with me. I proceeded to get to work and will honorably spare you the details. Deed done, Chichi up, time to get back to work. Turn the lock, door won't open. That's odd, he thinks to himself. So he tries again. No marbles!


This is perfect, no? Stuck in this 6 x 4 cubicle with no windows or nothing - on a Sunday! Don't panic Chichi, it'll be alright. Like hell it'll be alright! I'm stuck in the shitter on a Sunday and you say it'll be alright? Twat! What to do now? 'Ang on... you have your phone on you, yeah? Did you use all the credit last night being a ho, you git? No you didn't! Thankfully. So I call my man Yomi in IT who happens to be working as well and expectedly, he initially blows me off because nobody takes me seriously. He eventually called back and said he'd check up on me to make sure I wasn't bullshitting. (No pun intended there).

He eventually showed up and asked if I had a screw driver. Yes, I do because it's mandatory I take one everywhere I go with me. Come on dude? Yup! Classic Chichi. Being sarcastic even when he needs help. So expectedly, I have to apologize and beg him to come back and help me. So, he found out rather painfully that life doesn't always imitate art. Kicking in a door like they do in the movies, like they say in Nigeria, is not a beans! He eventually called out, "My guy, I'm tired o! Let me go and look for someone." So the waiting began.

10 minutes...

15 minutes...

He came back and just my luck, the janitor was off duty. GREAT!!! So, on with some more kicking and my man getting tired again. Then I had the idea! I watch 24, Prison Break and the like. I'm an action guy. Think Chichi, think! That's it! The ceiling! I will climb out through the ceiling! So I proceed to dislodge the only accessible ceiling board and almost twist my ankle and break my neck in the process because the sink can't hold my weight. Dead that plan. A Spiderman impersonation is also out of the question because I'd surely destroy my laptop. Yomi goes to search for another alternative. More waiting.

20 minutes...

25 minutes...

30 minutes...

He comes back again and has found a screw driver. He proceeds to do some amatuer carpentry and succeeds in permanently locking the door by destroying the lock. Just grand, eh? At least, we can both laugh about it and he confesses that if I had waited 5 more minutes our roles would have been reversed. Typical. If it don't happen to Chichi, it don't happen to anybody else. We proceed to another bout of kicking but this time, I pull back on the handle. This sends jolts through my arm and when he lands the successful kick, it hurts! The expression on his face is priceless but luckily, I know how to laugh at self. 30 minutes in a cubicle ain't that funny though.

Moral of the story: When the shit hits the fan, don't turn it on!

Oh! Before I forget, on my free engine oil, thinking it works the same way as water in the radiator, I emptied the 4 litre jerry can into the engine and wondered why the car was jerking and stalling...

If it ain't a cock-up, then it ain't the Chi!

G'nite everybody!

(Originally posted on May 31st, 2006)


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